feanorsgrrl

10:17 am - this is just to say

I haven't been very coherent the last few days. Mostly my speech, when not slurred, is peppered with "It's not fair." Jim and I will be talking about something, trying to be normal, trying to make dinner, and I'll look up and say "it's not fair." It's not good being reminded that life isn't fair. My mother, trying to comfort my wailing form, said "she's in a better place now." Fuck that. Fuck it. I'm selfish. I want her here with me. We had so many plans, and they were only a tiny tiny fraction of all of the plans that she had. She's not done. You can't have her yet. I have not yet passed out of anger.
I was trying to find a copy of The Little Prince. It's packed away somewhere. There is a passage about the loss of the prince. My memory of it is fuzzy, but it went something like, it is sad to lose a friend. Not everyone has had a friend. My life is immeasurably better because Star was part of it. And when my life finally begins to feel normal again (which will take so long, and which I feel badly about, because that's not what she would want, for any of us), when the hole in my abdomen begins to close itself, when I stop having urges to email her about some silly thing every hour, I will be better off because that wonderful, beautiful, talented, kind, precious, precious life thought so highly of me as to call me a friend. I consider that one of the greatest blessings of my life.

Current Mood: exhausted